my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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