last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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