easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
