her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize