I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
