i don't like sucking hair
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
