Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
