good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
