If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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