Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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