god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i black out too much to be "responsible"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
