One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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