Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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