Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
