Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
