I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
