I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
