My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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