just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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