I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize