Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
