Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
