So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize