Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have surprise drugs for everyone
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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