i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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