the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
