Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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