I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
