Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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