Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
