so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
