His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
