I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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