you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize