Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
