pop tarts are not kleenex
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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