I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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