Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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