I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
