is wine microwaveable?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
