Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
