For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He better not be in your backpack
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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