My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
