I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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