if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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