So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so let's talk penis.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
