i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
