The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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