So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
