I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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