Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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