i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
