He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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