Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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