There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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