I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
