Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize